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The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.