Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?