Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
*cough*
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.