Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Why is no one talking about this?!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them