I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently