just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
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Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.