Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Mornin
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.