not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*cough*
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars