me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.