[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
❤️❤️❤️
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert