A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
You Might Also Like
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.