I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I put the p in pants.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Thursday Thought.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.