I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”