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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.