When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
You Might Also Like
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
she has a point
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke