Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Sheep
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
More like Kate Missington.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano