waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.