I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
fair
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.