My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Europe. Made in Germany.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.