[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”