I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about