Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
incredible
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.