I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.