A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
quarantine day 3
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.