I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy