ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
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went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My daily affirmation
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?