Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.