Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You Might Also Like
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Quadruple digit IQ
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.