*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.