You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
You Might Also Like
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Cake!!
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.