man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea