Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out