When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Ion see the issue
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar