[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Lmao
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree