I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.