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BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.