You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
He a real one for that
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*