Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Ha
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!