Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.