I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
We all have our pet causes.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you