*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.