Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
yeah not falling for this one
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.