Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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それは草
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”