I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
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self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors