there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me