Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
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My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
what?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.