Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”