Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
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Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals