At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
LA today:
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell