[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
You Might Also Like
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…